As I mentioned in my previous post, I started a bootcamp class this week! Surprisingly, I am not even against waking up at 5:30 am because the class is THAT good. It seriously sets the tone for my whole day and I am so excited to continue going. Finally, something more structured.
Since starting intuitive eating, I focused on listening to my body. Around March I stopped exercising a lot like I used to and did things sporadically. I went on a running phase for a while where I ran 3 times a week using the C25K app – which was so much fun and I have no idea why I stopped or how it happened. You know how things go.. if you don’t have a set schedule, things just… dissolve into air it seems like. One bad weather, another… and my motivation got shot. It’s okay though because I was in the midst of getting accustomed to working longer hours and having a different work schedule than I ever have before (my first 9-5 with a bunch of overtime).
So before Monday I haven’t actually done any sort of exercise in 2 or 3 weeks. Embarrassed? Not really. I definitely have missed working out though, now that I started this bootcamp I can tell that I missed this a lot. And I was happy to see that my strength and endurance are still decent and not completely shot. So yay for that! I actually am able to keep up! I love it!
But anyway, so in this bootcamp they do monthly weigh-ins and measurements. Mixed emotions for me. At one side, I was curious how much damage I have done lately. I won’t hide it – I have been a bit overindulgent lately. I never feel bad about eating what I eat, but I know I have been eating more according to what my mind and emotions were telling me to eat rather than what my body wanted. There was a lot of Nutella, Nut Butter, Chocolate, Froyo, and takeout going on in this girl’s life in the past few weeks. I realize this. I have meant to tighten this up, especially since a lot of money has been going towards food and I am trying to save up so I can go to San Francisco in a few months.
So what WAS the damage? Well…. I am at my highest weight.
I have never been at a weight that is as high as the number that read on that scale this morning. It is also 20 pounds heavier than the weight I was at a year ago. 20 pounds heavier than the weight I think is perfect for me. 20 pounds overweight.
How did I feel after seeing this number?
I will admit, I was not entirely shocked. But there was a slight tinge of disappointment. Thankfully, I noticed this emotion right away and I dismissed it instantaneously.
If this was me a year ago, I would have probably went home after the bootcamp and cried. I would have hated myself all throughout the rest of the class, rest of the day, rest of the week. I would promise myself to never eat Nutella or froyo or Thai food. I would promise myself that I am gonna count calories and I’m not gonna go over the limit and that I’m gonna be as active as possible. I would have been determined – but that determination would be fueled by negativity, contempt, and hatred for my current body. This determination would also dissipate in the following few weeks followed by series of binges, continued body shame and hatred, and I would probably discontinue going to the class because I was felt too fat and guilty for failing.
How do I react TODAY? After countless insights and realizations after starting intuitive eating, what did I think of this high number on the scale?
First, I thought – well no one here knows how I looked like before. For all they know, I could have been even heavier and I am on my way to losing weight. They don’t know. But even if they don’t know – the thing is – they don’t care. We are all there to work out, to sweat, and to accomplish something – that accomplishment is not losing weight, it is completing the super tough workout that was given to us with energy and determination.
What did I think after that? I expected this. I knew I would see a higher number. Granted, I didn’t expect to see a number that much higher but I also COULD have seen a number that was even higher. The thing that matters is that – this is a process. Numbers don’t matter. The number has no value. It is merely that – a number. It shouldn’t hold any grip on our emotions or attitude about ourselves or life.
I left the bootcamp with a realization – it wasn’t a judgmental attitude but more of a gentle advice to myself. I knew I was being overindulgent. I knew I was eating more with my mind and emotions rather than with my body.
So instead of taking it out on myself and hating myself – I saw this as a learning opportunity. I thanked myself for being strong and confident to make the choice to continue going to the bootcamp class. I thanked myself for allowing my body to feel pleasure from food and exercise. I thanked myself for going ALONG with the process of intuitive eating – gaining weight IS part of the process.
I am not upset or sad. I am happy.
I am happy because seeing the number on the scale did not affect my mood.
I am happy because I take care of my body and my mind.
I am happy because I no longer feel a prisoner to a diet mentality.