Intuitive Eating Weigh In – Shocked?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I started a bootcamp class this week! Surprisingly, I am not even against waking up at 5:30 am because the class is THAT good. It seriously sets the tone for my whole day and I am so excited to continue going. Finally, something more structured.

Since starting intuitive eating, I focused on listening to my body. Around March I stopped exercising a lot like I used to and did things sporadically. I went on a running phase for a while where I ran 3 times a week using the C25K app – which was so much fun and I have no idea why I stopped or how it happened. You know how things go.. if you don’t have a set schedule, things just… dissolve into air it seems like. One bad weather, another… and my motivation got shot. It’s okay though because I was in the midst of getting accustomed to working longer hours and having a different work schedule than I ever have before (my first 9-5 with a bunch of overtime).

So before Monday I haven’t actually done any sort of exercise in 2 or 3 weeks. Embarrassed? Not really. I definitely have missed working out though, now that I started this bootcamp I can tell that I missed this a lot. And I was happy to see that my strength and endurance are still decent and not completely shot. So yay for that! I actually am able to keep up! I love it!

But anyway, so in this bootcamp they do monthly weigh-ins and measurements. Mixed emotions for me. At one side, I was curious how much damage I have done lately. I won’t hide it – I have been a bit overindulgent lately. I never feel bad about eating what I eat, but I know I have been eating more according to what my mind and emotions were telling me to eat rather than what my body wanted. There was a lot of Nutella, Nut Butter, Chocolate, Froyo, and takeout going on in this girl’s life in the past few weeks. I realize this. I have meant to tighten this up, especially since a lot of money has been going towards food and I am trying to save up so I can go to San Francisco in a few months.

So what WAS the damage? Well…. I am at my highest weight.

I have never been at a weight that is as high as the number that read on that scale this morning. It is also 20 pounds heavier than the weight I was at a year ago. 20 pounds heavier than the weight I think is perfect for me. 20 pounds overweight.

How did I feel after seeing this number?

I will admit, I was not entirely shocked. But there was a slight tinge of disappointment. Thankfully, I noticed this emotion right away and I dismissed it instantaneously.

If this was me a year ago, I would have probably went home after the bootcamp and cried. I would have hated myself all throughout the rest of the class, rest of the day, rest of the week. I would promise myself to never eat Nutella or froyo or Thai food. I would promise myself that I am gonna count calories and I’m not gonna go over the limit and that I’m gonna be as active as possible. I would have been determined – but that determination would be fueled by negativity, contempt, and hatred for my current body. This determination would also dissipate in the following few weeks followed by series of binges, continued body shame and hatred, and I would probably discontinue going to the class because I was felt too fat and guilty for failing.

How ridiculous.

How do I react TODAY? After countless insights and realizations after starting intuitive eating, what did I think of this high number on the scale?

First, I thought – well no one here knows how I looked like before. For all they know, I could have been even heavier and I am on my way to losing weight. They don’t know. But even if they don’t know – the thing is – they don’t care. We are all there to work out, to sweat, and to accomplish something – that accomplishment is not losing weight, it is completing the super tough workout that was given to us with energy and determination.

What did I think after that? I expected this. I knew I would see a higher number. Granted, I didn’t expect to see a number that much higher but I also COULD have seen a number that was even higher. The thing that matters is that – this is a process. Numbers don’t matter. The number has no value. It is merely that – a number. It shouldn’t hold any grip on our emotions or attitude about ourselves or life.

I left the bootcamp with a realization – it wasn’t a judgmental attitude but more of a gentle advice to myself. I knew I was being overindulgent. I knew I was eating more with my mind and emotions rather than with my body.

So instead of taking it out on myself and hating myself – I saw this as a learning opportunity. I thanked myself for being strong and confident to make the choice to continue going to the bootcamp class. I thanked myself for allowing my body to feel pleasure from food and exercise. I thanked myself for going ALONG with the process of intuitive eating – gaining weight IS part of the process.

I am not upset or sad. I am happy.

I am happy because seeing the number on the scale did not affect my mood.

I am happy because I take care of my body and my mind.

I am happy because I no longer feel a prisoner to a diet mentality.

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xo Kammie

Comments

  1. Cathi Fabjance says

    Thanks so much for your posts on this Kammie! I too am going through this now and it is so good to know that this is all a part of the process. I have to remind myself that the number on the scale going up does not give me license to go back to the crazy food restriction and self hatred. I love reading your posts!

  2. says

    I am so happy that you do not throw the towel on intuitive eating yet. The cravings will balance out at some point – I mean, seriously, is it a surprise that all our bodies crave after one diet after another are sweets and take outs? When we truly realize (not just with the mind but with the subconscious) that’s when we will start craving more and more food that is good for us and makes us feel good. What helped me a lot is a) seeing my body as something I will take care off and treat well b) enjoying the pleasure of feeling good after a meal (not stuffed, not sick, not hungry, not unsatisfied) and c) meditating about my inner child (sounds strange, but I loved it, I linked the meditation on the intuitive eating section of my blog). Oh and I can truly recommend Josie Spinardis book “How to have your cake and your skinny jeans too” it is so refreshing real and honest.
    Ksenija @ Health Ninja recently posted…What I Ate Wednesday {changing colors}My Profile

  3. says

    I love you attitude Kammie! Seeing a higher number than you expected on the scale always sucks, but that stupid number doesn’t define us. If you think about weight as how strong gravity is pulling us to the earth, then it is silly to even be disappointed by it. At least we won’t be flying off the face of the earth anytime soon! Hahaha
    Sylvia @ Frolic Through Life recently posted…WeekendingMy Profile

  4. says

    I love this and have felt the same way but so glad to see someone else saying what I had felt and questioned if I was feeling the right way or not—it means freedom is coming and loving this process, glad to journey along with you :)
    Kim recently posted…10 Principles of Intuitive EatingMy Profile

  5. says

    Wow. I absolutely love your attitude, Kammie. It is the right attitude. I’ve been beating myself up over a couple of pounds weight gain. A couple of pounds! I know it is crazy! Can anyone else see the number on the scale? No. Does anyone care? No. Do I look any bigger to anyone else. No. Only in my crazy mind. Do I still fit in my clothes? Yes. Thank you for this. I needed to read this. Thank you.

    I’m so glad you’re enjoying the bootcamp and working out again.
    Nikki @ The Road to Less Cake recently posted…Staple eats (WIAW)My Profile

  6. says

    I love you attitude about this, and I hope one day I’m where you are. I know I need to ditch the scale, but at the same time I feel like I have to keep track of my weight to figure out just why it will not go down! Kudos to you!
    Emmy recently posted…Focus T25!!!My Profile

    • says

      Just get rid of it. It is a process though, getting to that moment where you truly are sick and tired of having the scale have the power over you – it is so liberating and empowering. I really recommend it. YOU WILL get there! You just have to surrender to the process! You will come out so much happier, healthier, and with a better attitude afterwards! xo

  7. says

    This seriously is such an incredible post, Kammie. For one thing, I really like how you acknowledge the struggle between eating intuitively to what your mind wants and eating intuitively to what your body wants. I haven’t done a lot with intuitive eating, but I do have a lot of times where I wonder if I’m eating x because it’s what my body is legitimately craving or if it’s just because I want to eat because I’m bored or whatever, and x is the tastiest (read: sweetest) option. So I’m glad you made that distinction.

    Also, WOW! How fantastic that you were able to recognize your emotions, deal with them productively, and move on without letting them control you or hold you back. Regardless of what’s happened to your body from a number standpoint, I think that’s the biggest victory you could ever hope for — being able to be at peace (or at the very least make peace) with yourself regardless of what the scale says. That’s incredibly inspiring, and I’m so glad you shared it with us.
    Bethany @ Accidental Intentions recently posted…Wednesday ThingsMy Profile

  8. says

    I hope that’s really how you feel girl! Of course you know that your body needs vitamins from food and exercise…but to fret over the scale is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Especially being a girl with the water weight we carry during certain times of the month!

    I hope you get back to feeling comfortable again! At whatever weight that might be! :)
    Amanda @ Diary of a Semi-Health Nut recently posted…{WIAW #70} Trapshooting StyleMy Profile

  9. says

    Thanks for this post Kammie :) I am struggling with similar issues as you (being a little heavier than I’m used to and trying not to feel bad about it), so this post really helped :) Always wonderful to know others are in the same boat!

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