*Before I jump into my rant and reflections, along with Monday’s eats, make sure to check out my guest post on Christine’s blog at Love Life Surf! I wrote about my love for coconut flour as well as how and why you can use it yourself 🙂 Check it out and show support!
There’s something I have been thinking about a lot lately – my mentality towards food. I posted a write-up about the two personalities, motivated and discouraged, and how they both are total opposites, yet both are controlled by food. To be more specific, it deals more with my relationship with food at any given time. I enjoy self-reflections and I am not afraid to draw out conclusions based on my own experiences. I want to be healthier – and while I really want to fit in a smaller jean size, I have been caught in the dieting yo-yo cycle once again. I feel confident that I have recognized at least a part of the reason why this has happened.
Most of the time, I am dieting. While I don’t really do any actual short-term diets very much anymore (after endless failures), I have focused all of my “on” days on counting calories. Some days, I would eat 1000 calories a day even though I’d set the goal to be higher but my motivation would weaken my appetite and excitement for weight loss would encourage and praise me for the job well done (even though I know I should be eating more). Yet some days I would eat 1450 calories. I would set my limits at 1350-1450 calories per day.
I realized that the amount of calories I allow myself is not the problem. It is not whether I am allowing myself too little or too many calories. It is the fact that I am so controlling in this matter. I have lost the ability to act upon my innate feeling of hunger. I no longer rely on my body to tell me when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat. The fact that I am scheduling and recording every single calorie that goes into my body is putting me in a frenzied state that always ends up with a period of binging in the end. I know this because this has been going on for many months now. At first, the binges weren’t that frequent but they have been occurring increasingly more often lately. I am now realizing that I often force myself to eat simply because I already recorded the food in the planner and I might as well just finish the food that’s in front of me. This forces me to use my mind and brain instead of my body to tell when to stop eating. This is a function I have lost and I no longer rely on, which may be the reason why I’m having trouble losing weight.
I have become obsessed once again. Numbers. Numbers. Numbers. Every food comes with a number. Calories, carbs, protein, fat… All of which come to one total number that must not be larger than x or else I will get fat. There have been days where I would make myself eat just to get to that higher number. Other days, I would eat because 3-4 hours were up and it was time to eat. I no longer rely on feelings of hunger to eat though, which is the true problem here.
So I am going to stop recording calories for the rest of the year. I realize this is extremely difficult to do but I no longer want to feel limited by a number only to be followed by a terrible binge caused by that restriction and extreme control. The binges are simply not worth it and they reverse any weight loss I experienced and often add a few extra lbs on top of that. It is not worth it.
So here is what I will be doing from now on – I will try to pay attention to my body more. I will continue to eat healthy. Listen to what my body wants to eat – don’t eat simply because 3 hours are up, eat when my body tells me it’s time to eat! Don’t restrict myself on stuff I really want to eat either. I want to enjoy the holidays if that’s what my body wants me to do. I no longer want to feel controlled by my mind’s obsessive diet mentality.
I hope I won’t gain any weight. I hope I will be able to trust myself enough to lose some weight just through exercise and healthy eating. I hope I will learn to be normal with food so that I no longer have to resort to restriction and end up in the binge cycle again. I may or may not count calories for a while in January or after Christmas, if I found that I am not happy. I am giving myself this time to tune myself back into my innate bodily feelings and functions without the need for any phone apps or journals.
I haven’t weighed myself in a month and I am not planning on it for a while. I refuse to be controlled by numbers. Numbers will not have the power to control my mood, my happiness, and my self-image. That’s all for now.
Here are some posts from bloggers about the similar issue:
- The Trouble with Calorie Counting by A Healthy Slice of Life
- Mind Over Numbers for Weight Loss (guest post by Run To The Finish) on Miz Fit Online
Have a great Wednesday 🙂
Ps. Foods featured were recorded on Monday.
Kammie wants to know:
Have you ever struggled with this issue?
Do you count your macros?
Let me know in the comments below!