[caution: rant ahead! Don’t mind the negative tone, I wrote some of this when I was tipsy]
They say alcohol makes us think the thoughts we normally try to suppress: thoughts that come straight from parts of us that we try not to visit when sober. Inhibitions and defense mechanisms go aside and the true depths of ourselves come out prevalent with our hidden wants, needs, and desires. This has proven true for me in the past few months and it’s been getting increasingly harder to ignore. I don’t know if I’m just getting older but drinking alcohol is no longer as fun as as it used to be. Sure, I still love the buzz from a martini but with that buzz come thoughts and emotions that are otherwise locked away in a dark deep depth of my soul, a part that I don’t visit very often – the truth of why I’m unsatisfied: the part that tells me what my life is truly missing and craving.
I don’t drink very much anymore, but the times I do, I feel those cravings come out.. they are so prevalent; they control my mood, it’s actually pretty sad. It’s the feeling of loneliness. I haven’t started feeling like this until a few months ago. It has become increasingly more noticeable as time went on, especially since I get
drunk buzzed so quickly now too…
It’s sad, [recently] I had a martini and a hard cider and I was totally at that level. Not drunk, but definitely buzzing. How sad. Only two years ago this would have done nothing to me. Man, the joys of growing up.. At least it’s cheaper though, I guess. Anyway, yes.. Loneliness. This is the core of my problems and my issues. I need attention. I crave male attention. I don’t notice my need for it until I drink because that’s when I notice how unsatisfied I am. I will be with my friends, having a great time but something will always be missing – I want someone to be with me, someone special – someone to call my own. Is this sad? Is this conceited of me to say? I don’t know and I don’t care at the moment- what I do know is that I am lonely and I know this is the reason behind any binges I ever have and any possible emotional issues I might have. I’m not even going to get into the emotional barriers I have when it comes to actually meeting someone new; it’s pretty annoying – it’s like I know deep down I want to be settled down with someone but I have so many defense mechanisms that I make it nearly impossible for me to actually admit to myself that I like a guy and allow him to get close to me. I usually don’t give anyone a chance and dismiss anyone that could possibly even be a potential date. I’ve always called myself as broken in that sense. I want love but when it comes down to getting it, I freak out and I tell myself that I don’t want it.. but then I feel lonely again and crave love again. It’s a total cycle and I really want it to stop. Hopefully with growing up I will learn to open up to people more and let them in instead of freaking out inside. I’ve been working on this and hopefully making some progress…
Do any of you know what I mean?
Do you have any defense mechanisms that you’ve wanted to get rid of?[edit: I still drink sometimes and this is not the only reason why I decided to drink less frequently — it’s mostly because I don’t like the day after because it makes me lazy and tired, but this is just another (side) reason]