How does the effect of alcohol change on us with age? {rant}

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[caution: rant ahead! Don’t mind the negative tone, I wrote some of this when I was tipsy]

They say alcohol makes us think the thoughts we normally try to suppress: thoughts that come straight from parts of us that we try not to visit when sober. Inhibitions and defense mechanisms go aside and the true depths of ourselves come out prevalent with our hidden wants, needs, and desires. This has proven true for me in the past few months and it’s been getting increasingly harder to ignore. I don’t know if I’m just getting older but drinking alcohol is no longer as fun as as it used to be. Sure, I still love the buzz from a martini but with that buzz come thoughts and emotions that are otherwise locked away in a dark deep depth of my soul, a part that I don’t visit very often – the truth of why I’m unsatisfied: the part that tells me what my life is truly missing and craving.

I don’t drink very much anymore, but the times I do, I feel those cravings come out.. they are so prevalent; they control my mood, it’s actually pretty sad. It’s the feeling of loneliness. I haven’t started feeling like this until a few months ago. It has become increasingly more noticeable as time went on, especially since I get drunk buzzed so quickly now too… 

It’s sad, [recently] I had a martini and a hard cider and I was totally at that level. Not drunk, but definitely buzzing. How sad. Only two years ago this would have done nothing to me. Man, the joys of growing up.. At least it’s cheaper though, I guess. Anyway, yes.. Loneliness. This is the core of my problems and my issues. I need attention. I crave male attention. I don’t notice my need for it until I drink because that’s when I notice how unsatisfied I am. I will be with my friends, having a great time but something will always be missing – I want someone to be with me, someone special – someone to call my own. Is this sad? Is this conceited of me to say? I don’t know and I don’t care at the moment- what I do know is that I am lonely and I know this is the reason behind any binges I ever have and any possible emotional issues I might have. I’m not even going to get into the emotional barriers I have when it comes to actually meeting someone new; it’s pretty annoying – it’s like I know deep down I want to be settled down with someone but I have so many defense mechanisms that I make it nearly impossible for me to actually admit to myself that I like a guy and allow him to get close to me. I usually don’t give anyone a chance and dismiss anyone that could possibly even be a potential date. I’ve always called myself as broken in that sense. I want love but when it comes down to getting it, I freak out and I tell myself that I don’t want it.. but then I feel lonely again and crave love again. It’s a total cycle and I really want it to stop. Hopefully with growing up I will learn to open up to people more and let them in instead of freaking out inside. I’ve been working on this and hopefully making some progress…

Until then.

Do any of you know what I mean?

Do you have any defense mechanisms that you’ve wanted to get rid of? 

[edit: I still drink sometimes and this is not the only reason why I decided to drink less frequently — it’s mostly because I don’t like the day after because it makes me lazy and tired, but this is just another (side) reason]

7 Comments

  1. I have the worst time shooting myself in the foot career-wise. If I had a dollar for every audition or open mic I talked myself out of, I wouldn’t need a career – I’d be one rich motha. But, like with guys, it’s hard to keep putting yourself out there! The payoff is phenomenal, though.

    • Agreed, man, it’s so weird how we try to make ourselves not do something that we KNOW can be amazing for us. It’s so strange. We just think too much sometimes, I think. Damn women, haha. Sigh. Gotta keep pushing ourselves though, that’s that.

  2. You know what’s sad? That we feel old when we are definitely NOT! LOL… I defintiely experience the same feelings as you. Drinking emphasizes a lot of pent up emotion. I cut back on my drinking years ago when I found out my mom had cancer. At first, I stopped going out just to spend time with her. I started to gradually become more social again but it was SO hard. I had a ton of anxiety and when I did drink, I became angry at everyone else having fun because I knew I would have to go back home to a sick mother. It was a hard time but these days, I find that being social and hanging out with friends does not need to involve drinking. I’m more social than ever and probably have an alocholic beverage once every 2 weeks. Cheap date.

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with how you’re feeling. You’re not broken. When the right person comes along, the cycle will stop. xo

    • Wow, thank you so much for sharing! I hope everything is going well on your end, stay strong! I can definitely understand what you mean about getting angry, I’ve been in similar situations before. I hope you’re doing better and smile. But yeah, I definitely agree about being able to have fun without drinking unfortunately a lot of my friends don’t know this is possible.. but then again I am young and I know I’ve grown up much sooner than many of the people I know. I act much older and I’m already over the whole getting wild and crazy party scene while a lot of people I know are still in their prime, but I can’t exactly expect them not to be, especially if they waited till 21 to start (unlike me, who started much younger).

      Thank you for the words of encouragement and sharing your story with me <3 xo

  3. Once again, you and I are identical in our thoughts. “A drunk mind speaks a sober heart” is basically the story of all my drinking experiences. Back in college I partied hard and found that drinking tore open all my secret feelings. It was overwhelming and led to many arguments, tears, and even happy moments (depending on what I was feeling). Nowadays I can’t hold my liquor like I used to (I was a champ back in college! And I started drinking early…like back in high school :/ ) and I’ve been avoiding alcohol because it makes me feel very sad 🙁

    • It’s crazy how similarly we think! I definitely used to be able to handle my liquor a lot better since I started in high school too, I get hungover easily now too which is another reason why i don’t drink very much anymore. I hate feeling lazy and tired the following day – bleh. At least we know what makes us sad and we can try to avoid it although it still sucks, hopefully it’s just a transition period and things will change over time. I hope so.

      Love ya girl! xo

  4. Some male attention, ok, 40 year old married male attention. You are hot and eloquent. You will find someone great.

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