There’s something I’ve been seeing as motivational in the past few weeks that I haven’t looked at before.
I am 5-6 lbs away from my goal weight. I have lost some weight but I’m not small, and I’m not trying to be small. I want to be strong and fit. That’s my goal. But that’s not the point here. The point here is — I’ve been looking at myself as self-motivation when I feel badly.
Let me set the scene, it’s a lazy gloomy day outside. I woke up too early because my roommate slammed the door at 6 in the morning and it woke me up. She doesn’t seem to realize that she’s not the only person living in this apartment. How many times does a person have to ask another to shut the door quietly? Anyway, she woke me up. The sun started creeping into my room through the blinds and it’s making it that much more difficult to fall back asleep. I’ve been meaning to put a cover sheet over the window to black it out but I haven’t bought more M3 hooks yet. It’s on my to-do list. I’m laying in bed, tossing and turning, trying to get back to sleep. Finally, after a 30 minute torture, I drift off..
Only to wake up 2 hours later when my roommate returns. By then, my room is relatively bright with daylight even though the blinds are shut. It’s 8am and I might as well just get up now – there is no way I’m going to be able to get back to sleep. I have Zumba at 1 in the afternoon so I’ve got some time to lounge about and just do whatever. I get up and make myself some breakfast. I set to make regular pancakes (gasp! I know, no protein! why?) and after calculating the stats on the breakfast I come to a horrified conclusion that the breakfast consisted of 450 calories! Woah. Way too many. I didn’t mean to eat that much. I shrug it off though and get back to my room to work on the laptop… boredom and tiredness take over. I am so bored. No one is awake at 8am on a Saturday, Facebook is boring with old posts of friends’ and there aren’t many blog posts to be read since it’s the weekend. What to do.. what to do… the protein bars are staring at me from a corner. I didn’t have any protein for breakfast, this feels wrong.. The bars keep staring. I reach out. I grab one. I eat it. It tastes so good. I love the feel of chocolate and caramel on my palate while knowing I’m getting the necessary nutrition (or so I tell myself). But I just had breakfast not too long ago.. and that’s how it begins. What follows is a day-long internal battle and failure to resist from various foods creeping into my mind from every direction. I will not go into detail about how much has been devoured that day but needless to say I missed my Zumba class.
I wasn’t feeling necessairly discouraged. I told myself it’s a cheat day (although it wasn’t planned and the previous day was a semi-cheat day too…). I have learned not to dwell on these things and to not beat myself up over failures such as this one. It’s hard to stay positive when I feel so utterly full and a certain feeling or craving within me remains unsatisfied. It’s sleep. I need more sleep. But that’s beside the point.
I go into the bathroom and I look at myself. I look at the progress I have made in the last two months. I look at my arms, my face, my legs. I feel for my quads. I flex my arms and squeeze to feel for my biceps and triceps. My abs are non-existent, especially with a full belly, so I consciously ignore looking in that direction. I look at the general progress I have made. And I see it.
I see myself. As better. I am better than this. I have been there before. I have gotten fit before and let go to binges without control only to realize weeks later that the weight has come back. I recognize those times and how difficult they were for me. I look at myself in the mirror and I realize that I do not want that to happen again. I will not let that happen to me again. I have made so much progress. Progress takes time. It takes dedication. It is not easy. I will not let all of that progress go to waste. I am better than this.
I am better than losing myself in an internal battle. I am stronger than that. I will not give up. I pride myself for getting this far in my journey and I remind myself that this is not where it ends. This is not the day that my journey ends, because I have made a commitment to myself – to stay healthy. To be happy. To live free of demons of disordered eating. Today might have been a bad day, but tomorrow is a new day – a new beginning. Regardless of what day of the week it is, there is always a beginning and an end to a day. And just because today was a hiccup in my weight loss journey, this is just that – a hiccup. I realize now that I am better than resorting back to my old habits. This is not the person I am. This is not who I want to become.
Who am I? I am a person who lives a healthy life to stay happy and active. I do not give up and I do not let food or negative thoughts control me. Life is better than this. I will regain control. I will come out victorious.
Questions for you:
Have you ever looked at yourself and had a similar flash of realization?
What do you do to get back on track when you have hiccups in your healthy living journey?