Well there’s another down to my ever-ending ups and downs of my healthy and weight loss journey. I have been stuck in the same weight range for a long time, losing and gaining the same 5-8 lbs, on and off. It’s really frustrating. While I can imagine some physical reasons as to why I keep having the off days (going too intense for those “on” days might be exhausting me and causing me to binge), I was thinking how different I become when I am in the middle of the “off” phase. Thankfully, those “off” times are not long – the positive and on days tend to stay longer, weeks at a time, but the off days (or a week, at times – although not lately, thank God) are pretty negative and they do a lot of damage to my motivation, and I can’t even imagine what havoc they wreak on my metabolism. But that’s for another post, today I wanted to talk specifically about the two personalities – motivated and discouraged. No, I do not have multiple personality disorder or anything like that although when thinking about this, it really does sound like it – doesn’t it? I know I’m not the only one that has similar feelings, though, which gives me some consolation. If you’re going to comment, please don’t say negative things – we should be kind to each other, your words really do hurt – have a heart, please.
Motivated: The Motivated Kammie is a go-getter. She is excited to work out, she doesn’t find eating healthy and restricting calories to the allotted amount as difficult. She does not have too many cravings and she manages to satisfy those she does have in a healthy way. She logs all of her calories properly, gives it her all during workouts – she is confident; her self-esteem grows, she looks forward to the future. She enjoys going out, being with friends, meeting new people. She follows through with her plans, she is able to squash lazy feelings and motivates herself to be social and active.
Discouraged: The Discouraged Kammie is when she is in the middle of her binge phase. She is consumed by thoughts of food, she does not want to work out, she gives in to lazy feelings. She wants to do nothing. The last thing she wants to do is go out and have fun or be social. As a natural introvert, her introversion grows during this phase which makes her even more disconnected and sad. She feels bad for herself. Worst of all, she makes excuses for herself and her behavior and future that the Motivated Kammie would never approve of, for example:
- “I don’t want to be fit anyway, a man I would want to be with should like me for who I am, not how I look like”
- “Being fit and small isn’t meant for me, it’s just not the kind of body I can achieve anyway, no matter how hard I try, I just won’t get there”
- “Food makes me happy and satisfies me” (even when it really doesn’t during a binge)
- “I’ll just stay home and I’ll start going out to other places, I need to be around people who don’t care about how you look like” <– being a hypocrite because as shallow as it sounds, I DO care about what the man I would want to date looks like as much as I care about who he is. Physical attraction is extremely important to me because I’m simply not attracted to many guys and I’ve dated some who I wasn’t super attracted to and it never worked out, clearly.
- “I want to disappear, who cares anyway”
I think this makes it quite clear the types of thoughts that go through Discouraged Kammie’s mind. They are irrational. They are unlike her. They are consumed by depression and influenced by guilt as well as self-absorption and negative body image.
Ideal Kammie: The Ideal Kammie has a good balance of enjoying life through food without being all-consumed by its thoughts and associated guilt. She is able to eat whatever she wants without counting calories because she relies on her body to tell her when she is full and when she can eat more. She does not spend most of her time thinking about food, how to avoid food, which food is good or bad to eat, how many more calories can she eat, or what to eat in an hour. She goes by what her body tells her instead of her mind and her schedule. She is social, active, excited about life – she strives to become better at the person she is, creatively, professionally, socially, and emotionally.
Clearly, the Ideal Kammie is the one I strive to become. Hopefully, I can get there one day.
I am doing the Best Body Bootcamp right now but I am sad to admit that this week has been a total bust. While I did well on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.. after that was nothing. Just nothing. It was very disappointing and discouraging but I am ready to get back into it on Monday and start anew with a brand new phase and new workouts. I am still looking to figure out how to reach balance between the two personalities in terms of food and fitness, I tend to go too hard when I get back into it, which might be causing back-lash and the off days. I have to find balance, and this is mostly mental.. it’s just really difficult to do so.